The Breakup

 

Dear friend,

It’s time to be authentic and radically honest with you about my story. This story is a flashback to many moments I’ve put in the past. I have since let myself heal. I mean really HEAL. The healing process, with all of its glory, draws out a lot of raw emotions. You deeply experience all 6 senses. 

Flash back to a year ago: for a while now my heart felt broken into thousands of puzzle pieces all over the floor. One day, after staying up most of the night feeling this pit in my stomach, I just snapped. I felt like I had really been punched this time. I had spent too much time in bed with tears running down my face, just patiently waiting for a small touch, a hug, a hand, a finger, anything that might have made all of that pain go away. Instead I sat in those moments angry, hurt, sad, and crushed as I stared at the ceiling. Finally, I thought to myself, tomorrow I’m going to write a letter to my significant other about my feelings. Little did I know that letter I wrote the next morning was going to change the entire plan for my destiny. 

I woke up that next morning dragging my dreadful body out of bed. I slouched my way into the kitchen.  I felt dehydrated and was looking in the fridge for fluids like a wild animal in the serengeti. While standing there, I could hear my significant other approaching. The next exchange of words/energy is a moment in time I wish could be replaced. I felt confused, sad, and frustrated by the hateful words that were vocalized at me. After this short exchange of words, my partner left for work with a rude “see you later, girl.” and slammed the door shut. Even today, this exchange still echoes in my head. By this point I had become damaged goods. Furious with this realization, I reached my breaking point. I walked over to the table and grabbed a pen and a few blank pages of paper. Before I even realized, years of trauma were flowing out of me like lava. Warm tears were rushing down my face, and the pen was hitting the paper so aggressively that my fingers started to blister. Page by page I wrote, front to back to this person who I felt so hurt by and before I knew it, I’d written 8 pages. I hardly remember the details of what I said, but I do remember the message I was conveying. I said something along the lines of “We never got officially married, but take this letter like a subpoena for our divorce.”

I knew I couldn’t do “this” anymore. Playing “house” like we used to pretend as children but being unhappy doing it was no longer acceptable. I couldn’t stay in a situation that felt like another person’s story.  I didn’t know what my plan was going to be. There was no destination in particular. I had no idea where I was going to go, what I was going to eat, who I’d be with, or where I was going to sleep. NOTHING. All I could tell myself was “Big Breaths, Little Steps.”

At this breaking point I knew I wanted to move out of the house and the relationship and I called my good friend for support in processing how to do that. She immediately dropped everything and came over to help me. I also called to cancel the lunch date I had that day with another friend that I was just getting to know but was pleasantly surprised by her empathy to come over and also help me process the next steps. 

Together as a team we grabbed things around the house I’d need to hold me over for a few days. I grabbed one of the two dogs we had and I started crying over the pup I knew I couldn’t take. It just wouldn’t be fair to my significant other to take both dogs away from him. We all jumped into the car and headed to the beach, the best place to take in nature’s natural healing powers and plan my immediate next steps. We ate at one of my favorite restaurants on the water, crab dip  for an appetizer and a bottle of wine. We decided if I was going to cry and process, we were going to do it together in style by the sunset. 

The next 24 hour hours consisted of processing so many emotions that I felt I was spinning on a merry-go-round (pain, tears, laughter, sadness, happiness, frustration, confusion, surprise, gladness, joy, etc.). 

This life altering experience is one I won’t ever forget. Many toxic layers were shedded in the writing of that letter but the real healing power came from leaving the relationship without looking back.. It was time for me to step into the next chapter of my life, evolving the relationship with “Myself”.

The processing of this pain over  the next year propelled my spiritual evolution from early stages to really“Awakening”. So now that phrase I used to say “Big Breaths, Little Steps” is reversed to, “Big Steps, Little Breaths.”. The little breaths are much more meaningful now that my feet have finally landed on the floor. Breath work adds a lot to the healing process. I now slowly inhale all the positive energies life has to offer and exhale all the trauma and pain I no longer choose to be part of my body and heart (or my story). 

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