The Shadows

The shadows below represent the deepest darkest stories of my life that I’ve kept buried in my subconscious. By publicizing these shadows, I am releasing these energies from my future story. Perhaps they will inspire others to release their own “shadows.”

Shadow #1 – Labels

 As a child I was labeled  “LD”, learning disabled. My specific disability was having difficulties converting short term facts learned into long term memory, which made learning mathematics and spelling challenging for me.  From what I remember, my parents were given the decision of holding me back and repeating second grade or letting me move forward to third grade with my then current classmates. My parents made the decision to hold me back. I was CRUSHED. I had a temper tantrum on the floor crying, stopping my feet, begging for anything but that (yikes). 

The other students in my elementary school teased me about being labeled “LD”. I let the other students’ rude comments define me and I turned  into a little girl suffering with anxiety and panic attacks. I found myself ducking in and out of hallways to rush into the special education classroom, which I perceived to be for the kids that were “less than” the regular classroom students. I felt ashamed, frustrated, angry, and sad all throughout my primary education years. 

As an adult, I had to look inside and learn how to process these dark childhood emotions that I had suppressed. I found a healing practice called “Inner child work.” I had to look inside of my demons, open up the emotions and FEEL all of those feelings again. I had to let them loose. By releasing them, I realized they weren’t weighing me down anymore. They weren’t defining my destiny anymore. They made me who I am now but NOT who I can become. These memories no longer shackle me down. They aren’t chains tied around my feet throwing me overboard any longer. I went down to the deepest pit of myself and released the negative energies into oblivion. By processing these childhood traumas, I overcame any disbelief I had in myself. 

Shadow #2 – Birthday party

It was late summer, in August, at my parents ranch styled home in the boonies. I was approximately 10 years old and was sad, depressed, flustered, confused, and alone. You see my mom had spent time and money organizing my birthday party and we were anxiously waiting for my friends to arrive (which every child loves and looks forward to). Minute by minute I stared at the clock waiting patiently for my “friends” from school to arrive. After no physical signs of arrival and phone calls to see if anyone was on their way, I’d come to the realization that nobody was coming to my “birthday party.” The pain inside cut deep like a knife. I craved connection… but I think I scared people away. Perhaps I was “too much” for people or maybe I was just a bit too mean….stemming from the bullying inflicted on me because of my learning disabilities. I may have projected my feelings on others.

Shadow #3 – Finding me; not the person I saw in the mirror, but my soul.

 I was in a relationship that eradicated most of my 20’s. It was both beautiful and disastrous at the same time. So many of my realizations came from the other side. Sometimes the grass in fact is actually greener on the other side. I looked in the mirror. Looking at my reflection, I could finally see what other people saw so CLEARLY. Love is blind. If I had just walked away from the relationship sooner, I could have seen the truth. When you’re in it, you’re blind. When you’re not in it, you can reflect from another perspective.

These years were tough on me because I couldn’t put the puzzle pieces together of who I wanted to be. I let manipulation shackle me down. My sexuality was suppressed.  I had to find my childlike happiness again. Your light becomes dim when you’re surrounded by negativity. I had to find my light again. I wanted to shine. I had to let go of things, people, and emotions that didn’t align with who I was at this moment. Finding myself again took months of crying, release, processing, reflecting, and really leaning into the soul inside of me.

 After months of healing,  I started to be spontaneous again. My soul has always loved the thrill of new experiences and just getting up and going. Never looking back at what could have been. I just ran with it, chasing the thrill, chasing EUPHORIA. 

Songs spoke to me and through me and I felt them on such a deep level as I reminisced over the good parts of the relationship I had. This reminded me of my passion for dancing. I just started letting out all of my self expression through really feeling the rhythm, the beat, the movement. I got lost in the moves, the moves of transcendence. I enjoyed art work again, picking up that paintbrush to just let the flow of the brush meet the ink on paper… I enjoyed the creation, the masterpiece I could create with my fingertips.

I acquired many healing techniques and realized the only person that can really reach down and pull you up out of your funk is yourself. Having others as a good support system is helpful and encouraging to begin any healing process but ultimately I had to teach myself to love myself. Now that’s what I help others with. That’s my true passion.

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